who am I?

Hmm I guess this is the grief-blog version of a personals ad… a little awkward!

Thirty something woman with GSOH, loves travel, good food, laughter, seeks adventure and tall dark handsome stranger.… and then, before the ink had dried, life got put on hold so I could spend time with my dying dad.

I’m working out how to unpause again now he’s gone. A lot of things dropped away in that pause… It was a privilege to get a little more of those last previous months with him, so I don’t regret the things I left behind, but there is a heck of a gap now.

Dad and I had a lot of time to talk, a lot of time to say goodbyes, (though of course there is never quite enough time). I sometimes laugh when I think of the many many times I said goodbye but still never quite felt I’d entirely said my bit. What can I say? I am naturally a little chopsy, a little prone to navel gazing.

My dad was a big man in many ways. A rebel, a leader, a great father, friend, ally… well truth be told he was gently just about everything to me. He pushed me hard to think about what his death meant for my life and here I want to carry on that journey of thought we started together… and hopefully somewhere along the way I will find my way back into the life he wanted for me and work out what I want for myself.

75 Responses to who am I?

  1. Alana says:

    I would guess he wanted for you the life that you most want. You’ll find your way. Trust your process. And keep writing – it’s lovely.

  2. Lissa Rabon says:

    Ahhh…so you know of which you speak. I like what you have written. It will be a blessing to those who find it.

  3. It’s funny, when I started my blog two nights ago I somehow only thought of my own process and writing, but of course it’s opened up a whole new world – and there is something both sad and reassuring in realising that there are others out there sharing their own difficult process of grieving for a parent. A guess it’s a sort of ‘club’ you don’t choose to join, and can never quit. Should we develop a secret handshake?

    Thank you for writing, and reading, and connecting.

    And a hug for your loss. Your father sounds as inspiring as my mother was.

  4. I think it’s good that you’re writing about this transformative journey that you’re on. It’s also good and helpful for many of us out there to read. All the best to you; it’s nice that your dad still has his say as well.

  5. apaige3 says:

    I empathize utterly. Thank you for supporting me & my blog.

  6. I’m a former hospice nurse and I can tell you that writing (and art) is one of the best tools for working through grief. I’m also dealing with pending losses right now. You were there for him and that is a huge gift.

    • Hey Liv, thanks for the comment and for your former work! I have no doubt you have heard this from many people but the hospice nurses we had made an excruciating time mostly something near bearable. It was a great relief to be with him after worrying about that for so long. Thinking of you.

  7. Hermionejh says:

    Thanks for finding my blog so I could find yours! It’s nice to find another sista navigating life’s wilds. I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad, mine died in 2003 and we didn’t have a close relationship, but there are times when the loss of him still hits me so hard. I hope you find comfort and healing through the tears and laughter – keep writing!

    • Glad to see you keep popping up here! Loss does seem to be something that life grows around.. I guess it becomes part of the furniture but for me writing seems to help me keep it at least a little under control..

  8. Thanks for commenting on my blog, which in turn led me to find yours. I’m really sorry for your loss and very grateful for your sharing of it. Keep writing and keep looking for someone to share your next adventures with.

  9. Thank you for stopping by my blog! I’m sorry for your loss. I’m super close to my dad and he’s been dealing with cancer off and on for several years. I dread the day that I have to say goodbye…I love that you’re carrying on the journey!!!

    Also, as an aside, I met my knight in shining armor on eHarmony! (and I’m not a religious person but it worked for us)!

    • Hey! Thanks for the comment. Sorry to hear your dad has been sick too but hope he is well right now. When I compare my situation with people who’s loved ones died fast, I am kind of jealous that they don’t get the years of angst.. but I am so grateful to have had all that time to say everything I needed too.. it has really made me realise its best not to wait for goodbyes to say what is in your heart.
      Glad you’ve managed to find your prince.. as you can see from my posts my attempts at dating have not gone well so far…

  10. Playingaway says:

    Your blog is both beautifully written and an inspiration. I too gave up my life for a few months to spend time with actually my mother, who got seriously ill very quickly. She is lucky enough to still be here, and miraculously recovered against the odds, but I am still left with a haunting of that time and what could have been – and was. When that time does come I hope I can draw on the strength you show here!

  11. Hello Playingaway, thank you for the lovely comment. It is always so hear from people when they’ve stopped by. I’m glad your mum recovered but those times sure do haunt you eh? For me I feel whole heartedly glad to have had the heads up to doing my loving in the now… always easier said than done though!

  12. Shirley Anne says:

    Thank you for your recent visit to my humble blog. I would have liked to call you by name but in that respect you seem to want to stay anonymous. Thank you for your comment to my last post, I appreciate your thoughts and comments. I can see now why you made the comments you did because you have lost (silly word) your dad. I don’t know the circumstances surrounding his departure nor the reasons for it but I do know that his leaving has left an enormous hole in your life. I am so sorry for that loss having lost both of my parents within eighteen months of each other. Mom died in 1997 and dad in 1999 and I miss them both of course I do. Time however is a great healer and their departure no longer makes me feel lost and alone. I don’t grieve their loss as I did when they had just gone but the occasional tear still drips from my eye whenever I think about them. Please accept my condolences at your loss and may time heal your broken heart. In love

    Shirley Anne xxx

    • Hey Shirley, thanks for stopping by and reading. I am sorry to read about the deaths of your mum and dad. It is never easy but that close together must have been really very tough. You might be interested in the post I put up today – it seems I may be changing my mind a little!

  13. faithtwins says:

    Thanks for taking the time to read my blog as I journey with my best friend through her final days. I hope my writings will let others know they are not alone and that we do share many common feelings…however painful.
    Keep writing; it is a valuable part of the healing process.
    Peace

  14. Rachael Eliz says:

    Hi, I followed your link when you liked my recent blog piece, and after reading some of your web I thought of a song that you might like to imagine your dad singing to you when things are especially hard. It makes me cry almost every time I listen to it, so grab a tissue (or twenty) before you do. It helps me when thinking about loved ones that are away from me, and so I hope you to:

    Lyrics here in case you can’t make them out:
    http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/My_Love_is_Always_Here

    Peace be with you.
    Rachael Eliz

  15. Sue Ghosh says:

    Your ‘who am I’ section is a lot like the story of my life. Love your honest blog. Writing helps me deal with my inner turmoil. Keep writing!

  16. LoveNiki says:

    I stumbled across your blog, and am looking forward to reading about your journey to inner peace.
    Best Wishes.
    Love, Niki

  17. TanyaSRao says:

    Thank you for finding my blog. Good to know that someone out there is reading. 🙂
    And I can understand your grief. I lost my mother in 2005. It is pretty hard dealing with the loss of a parent, and especially so if you’re a single child.
    May you find your way back!
    Love.

  18. I don’t know you IRL or your dad but I’m sure that he would have wanted you to keep moving on and find the love of your life. I haven’t yet lost a parent but I had a different sort of loss a few years ago. I found and read The Secret – some of which resonated and some of it I laughed at. One thing that I took away from it was to create a vision board with images/statemens of what I wanted in my life. At that point, I wanted to find the love of my life. So, I created my board in November 2009. Met my future husband in January 2010. While the board didn’t make any of it happen, it helped me figure out what I wanted and how I would get through the “stuff” to get there.

    Hang in there! You’ll find your way. Hugs.

    • Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting – I’ve moved from taking things day by day to month by month so it’s moving though it often feels like two steps forward and two steps back! I like the idea of your vision board – I think there is a lot of wisdom in being clear on where you want to be at and so far I’m all in a muddle but hopefully the fog will clear.. Glad to hear a happy ending and a beginning for you!

  19. took a look at the blog in response to your like on mine , thanks for that , I hope as you continue your journey the pain lessens and you can begin to take the happy days life sends us . I know that the pain can easily make us blinded to them. (fallen in that hole myself ) Most importantly eyes open for the life he wanted for you and the life you want for yourself. Good luck with the quest , as they say life is a journey not a destination. I’ll be looking in to see where you are on the journey.

  20. I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Award. You may collect it at my blog: http://laurelsreflections.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/the-liebster-blog-award/

    There is no obligation – please don’t feel like you have to participate if you don’t wish to. I just wanted to show my appreciation for your wonderful blog and our connection!

  21. Lafemmeroar says:

    You are a beautiful work in progress. I look forward to reading your blog.

  22. Indian Pixie says:

    Thank you so much. I appreciate your note about my Dad. I know how difficult it can be. But have faith in the fact that our Dads are in a much better place. My Dad also passed away because of cancer (pancreatic) and trust me I feel he was blessed that his suffering did not last long. I say that because he passed on the heels of my mother who passed away because of liver cirrhosis (from Hep C) less than a year ago. And she suffered from her disease for 5 long years. I know from experience, that while it feels good to have parents, one doesn’t want people we love to suffer pain. I am happy they are relieved of pain and together. God bless their soul and the soul of your father.

  23. oh. my. I NEED this blog. I lost my dad, my best friend, 6 years ago and needed to care for my mother days after he died. My mother is now dying and my lack of proper grieving for my dad is surfacing. Too Much; Too Sad. Your blog will help so much. I love the prose sensibility to your about me page. You are a writer. My hat off to a Wordsmith!

    • Thank you for the compliment! I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be to be losing someone a second time. Grief does some like a touch path to walk and it is often so easy to bury and hide and ignore rather than feel… wishing you courage finding your own way throught the tangle and thinking of you.

  24. Sajib says:

    Are you still living in Bangladesh? I was actually wondering if you were born here or you’re living here or the purpose of your work or something like that. IF you don’t mind sharing here, though.

    • Hello Sajib, I am in Bangladesh for a little whilst longer. I am just a visitor here so I would not pretend to be an expert on anything other than my impressions and half that time I am not quite sure about those! It does seem to be a beautiful and compelling country for all its flaws.

  25. JJ says:

    Your blog is inspiring. Thank you for sharing yours. I am along that process now…putting my life on hold to spend more time with my mom. Thank you for your comments.

    • Hello Joanne, thanks for visiting and reading my blog. It was been hard, disruptive, transforming, difficult to give up what felt like so much and yet I can say for sure that time ‘off’with my dad is time I will always be grateful to have had.

  26. Janhvi says:

    Though I read your posts every time you write, i am yet to find words to comment on any. It’s just that I feel death is something that can never be truly “commented” upon.
    Loads of wishes to you. Take care. And may all the dreams your dad had come true.

    • Dear Jojo, thanks for reading and for commenting. You may feel you never have quite the right words and in many ways I feel exactly the same on a very regular basis! Nonetheless it is always lovely to know that my words prompt half a thought or a feeling so do please comment whenever you think of it.

  27. ccbrand says:

    When I started writing my blog a few days ago, it was for me to pour out my tangle of feelings, and work through them. I never expected anyone else to read, much less help me. I appreciate your comments so much, you give me a new perspective, and it does help. I love reading your blog, your words are touching, and inspiring. Take care.

  28. I nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. Read about the Liebster on my recent post and consider sharing the positive energy with fellow bloggers. Your willingness to share your dad with us is touching. I look forward to reading your continued contributions to the blogging community. Congratulations!

  29. Afterwards says:

    I love how you describe it as “a pause”, that’s exactly what it is. So great to connect with you and share our writing and stories, you sound like such a wonderful person!

    • Hello Afterwards, I was really glad to stumble across your blog – a lot of your words through gritted teeth felt very familiar! Thanks for visiting my blog and good luck with the walk ahead – I will look forward to reading more.

  30. theincrediblemrsb says:

    I love this and looke forward to reading about your journey.

  31. I have enjoyed seeing Bangladesh through your eyes, and I look forward to continuing the journey as you return home. I have nominated your blog for the Kreativ Blogger award. You can find out about the award process at growthlines.wordpress.com/2011/12/23/awards/. Thanks again for sharing your dad and your travels.

  32. You are blessed in many ways, to have known this man in life, and to know him so well in death. I imagine your view is that he has not left you but moved on to another place, stepped outside of time for a while. In the conclusion of Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet” he states – a little rest, a moment upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me -. Surely you will meet again in time. This is a lovely tribute to the very first man you loved.
    Borrowing from one of the earlier contributors I could only think of this tune to share with you –

    All the best,
    -gs

  33. I Love your blog ~ touches so many hearts ~ : ) I am here commenting today because you have been nominated ( again maybe???) for The Versatile Blogger Award ~ to accept come visit :http://angelslightworldwide.com/2012/01/11/versatile-blogger-award/
    Angel Love,
    Aurora & Brian

  34. Theog says:

    It is so wonderful you were with him all the way to see him through to his next journey. Not everyone has someone to be with them during their next step. I know it meant alot to me to be with my mother through hers. You have much to offer others with all you have been through. Keep looking towards better times they are right around the corner look to see his love for you it is all around you every day. Theo

    • Hello Theog, Nice to see you’ve stopped by. It did mean a huge amount to me to be with my dad -especially after months of worrying I would be a world away… that is one of the things that stayed high up on my list of things to be thankful for even when most things seemed pretty terrible..

  35. I’ve flown around your blog, and it’s …. well, I fail to see how you’ve managed to stay single for 7 months. Pardon my Ancient Egyptian, but whoever wins your heart is going to be a f*cking amazing human being. He will have to be, just to stare in to the light of your sun.

  36. Hello!!

    I can SEE YOU! Oh. This is wonderful and you are as beautiful as your writing and white posies!

    Yay! I love your blog. The journey AND the journey.

    The adventure continues! Happy trails…

    Peace, Jen

  37. Karishma says:

    You have a gift and I have been touched by your words often. You are a beautiful writer and so to share that, I have nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger Award: http://browneyedmiracle.com/2012/01/20/the-unexpected-kreativ-blogger-award/
    Thank you for your honest, moving words.

  38. psychevida says:

    Karishma is right… Your beautiful words are a gift.

    I am learning how to live in the face of someone I love’s dying… I like the idea of this time as a pause, a moment to stop and love and appreciate all that I have now… Thank you.

  39. Hi. I have presented you with Liebster Blog Award. In posting this to you I see that you have received it before. Oh well, you deserve it!

    I don’t know how you feel about awards, but if you would like to accept, please follow these rules:

    • Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog.
    • Link back to the blogger who awarded you.
    • Pick (up to) 5 other blogs who fit within the award parameters (less than 200 followers).
    • Inform them that you have chosen them by leaving a comment on their blog.
    • Post the award on your blog (you can take it from my post). http://alettertomychildren.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/mother-dearest/
    If not, I hope that you will enjoy some added traffic from having been posted on my blog.
    Cheers.

  40. subhanzein says:

    It’s a always a great thing to find someone finding ways to transform themselves. I’m happy for you! 🙂

    Regards,

    Subhan Zein

  41. hey,

    I love your writing every time I come by and read so I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your work and words and warm attitude to life and its troubles . .

    take care – and keep them posts coming!

    Dora

  42. Hi, I love your Blog, so I nominated you for the ABC Blogger Award, see it on my blog! 🙂

  43. Because of your courage, and the wonderful writing you do, I have nominated you for The Sunshine Award, please visit my post at http://grandfathersky.wordpress.com/2012/03/04/sunshine-award/ for the image to add to your site, and for details on sharing the award. Thank you for the sunshine you have brought into my life, and for the light I know your words bring to others. I realize this award may rest here barely noticed, but none the less its presence should remind you of the all those whose hearts are following your travels. -gs

  44. Hi, I love your blog so I nominated you for the HUG Award, check it out at my blog! xx

  45. Kathy says:

    I love what you write and your posts are an inspiration to me. I am giving you the One Lovely Blog Award:

    http://peace4me521.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/those-who-inspire-me/

  46. ailialana says:

    Hi there

    I nominated you for The Shinshine Award. Check it out here:

    http://aileenmcgee.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/sunshine-award

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