my journeying heart..

I have been moving thousands of miles and I have been silent. Perhaps you wondered where I was.

As the miles were chewed up and spat out under bumping bus wheels, as the borders rolled by, my words were somehow stopped up, stilled. I wondered why.

I travelled south through Bolivia and Paraguay, to Brazil – through little worlds of wonders. Yet somehow I was not moved in the way that I was before. I looked on at beauties. I thought I that I should feel moved, that I would feel more, later when I found the memories packed up in a odd drawer with entrance tickets and dog eared receipts. And yet I felt nothing much at all.

My heart had gone journeying. Somehow my journey, my spaces and distances had become a little irrelevant. The pulse of me picked up a patter, the soft tempo of something gaining speed elsewhere.

I could not complain. For me this adventure was always inside outside in and that is why I have written; the bloom of night skies blacked out into my own expanses, the blaze of the hills taught me to burn brighter. I wanted to hold onto that even when the photos fade and memories dim.

I suppose it was natural that there came a point when my internal world grew more vivid than the vistas the guidebook spelled out for me, when the journey was de-linked from the trip, leaving me a little lost as if I’d forgotten my baggage..

My dreams were fleshing out, live, loveable, elsewhere and I was standing looking for the pictures my camera was ready to swallow.

I felt a future waiting that I was impatient, greedy for. When I fretted over national parks and cityscapes neglected, I asked myself why a thought, a hope should that be any less real, any less beautiful or worthy of my attention?

Of course this time has still been an adventure. There are plenty of tales to be told. I’ve danced drunk, raced waves, laughed out loud at stolen kisses. But I have not written what I’ve seen and done, and it has been lesser for it, as if my words give life and I have decided to let another place be where I breath.

My heart has been journeying hard. It travelled without telling me, kept secrets, cheated me to take me where it wanted to go. It wanted what I would not date to ask for.

I thought I knew why I was doing this. I did not. I was not asked. My heart went uninvited. I can only guess it went simply because it was written that it would, that it was meant.

I have come many miles and found myself here alone, with a handful of wishes, a prayer I don’t quite understand wrapped round my wrist and a little hope happy still in my footsore heart. But I am choosing to believe in the voyage I didn’t pick and didn’t expect and in the value of this jumbled bundle funny little of joys. Perhaps this too is meant.

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6 Responses to my journeying heart..

  1. cuhome says:

    The reminds me so much of a line in one of John Lennon’s songs, “Life is what happens while we’re making other plans”. Journey on!

  2. I have followed you half way around the world, and I don’t even know what to call you, Feather – I think – Dear Feather – You see, you have written of a journey far greater than you know, when considering the words you chose when you set out, the restlessness in your spirit that you put into those words, you left seeking to find the mystery of your heart, to uncover the meaning of that truest of love that you had lost, your first love, your Father. You have chased his dream all of those miles and still wonder where you are or where you are meant to be – your place in the world – your life’s purpose – is there loving somewhere for me?
    In the words of John Smith to Pocahontas in the film “The New World” ; she asks him about his journeys since they parted and he looks deeply into her eyes and says – “perhaps I have sailed past my India”. It is always simple, but it is never easy. Anywhere along the way you could have gotten off the bus and said this is where I will stay, raise a child, and call my home. You did not because you have inertia, wander-lust, and now you question that as well.
    There are seven continents on this great blue marble, there are more waiting for you, or perhaps what you seek is not of this world, maybe now your journey within will begin…
    You are guided, you are blessed for certain, you have a gift for sharing your heart with us. I would be so wise as to suggest you find a comfortable place to write your heart with the places you have wandered as a background and you will never be short of words, and when you are, then your satchel is in the closet, waiting to be filled with them again.
    You are exactly where you need to be – walking between two worlds …
    Love and Light, Always – gfs

    • Dear Grandfathersky, what a wonderful long comment that spoke to me in may ways… I am letting your words sit with me because I think they may still have more to say. I’m Laura – pleased to meet you! 🙂

  3. JJ says:

    I admire you for having traveled this far. With all your tales of the adventures you have/are going through, I have nothing but happiness for you to be able to reach out and venture to all over these wonderful places. Thanks for sharing these experiences with us. Perhaps, one day, I too, will be able to let go and be free…..

  4. What is it that makes us go so far inward? I don’t know that answer. I know, tho, that when I travel alone I am not alone if I am writing. As I am living my adventure I am thinking of those I love and how I will tell them of my journey. Somehow, this makes it perfect for me.

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