There is a future I’m dreaming of, as it day-dreams of me with equal wistfulness.
It often feels like a flitty-floaty thing, not fit to hang a heart on, and yet I’m trying to put a life there, trying to place a pin and catch it, to keep it from willow-whisping off or vanishing into the air.
I am sometimes convinced by my own propaganda. I let myself think I am gentler, tamer, than I am.I am brave enough to live in doubt, to let the empty spaces sit in my heart and ask who I will be, to engage in that becoming.
But in truth, when I put my heart to something I have the stubbornness, the bloody minded belief, to shake it into life kicking and screaming. I don’t brook much opposition once I’ve made up my mind.
When I look back at my life I’ve usually got what I wanted, unless of course I stopped wanting it. And there is something heady and sweet about the recognition.
Much is given and there is much I am thankful for, but as just as much is what I’ve chosen, chased, hunted down and held tight to. I have the life I longed for and that is no less an achievement for the fact that now I’m longing for another.
In the last year my desires came to a full stop. What I wanted most could not be had, and all else I wished for became secondary, supplementary, to simply wanting a little more time with my dad.
In coping, keeping whole, I think I lost track of what I had been wishing for, but also of myself, of my sense of who I am and who I can be. In those long hard months I learned to say yes to life in the midst of death, but I forgot that I’m a woman who rarely takes no for an answer and I just remembered.
It is time for life to come off hold, to remember, to reboot, to let myself want in the confidence that I can have it. So I’ve been painting my picture, literally cutting out scraps of this and that and creating the life I want to be living, making it beautiful, making it mine.
My hodge-podge collage has made laugh at myself, at my moaning groaning navel gazing. None of it is rocket science.
I want a man I’m crazy about who is just as crazy about me. I want a home where I can build something, friends, a couple of kids, a dog, a job where I can grow my sense of my self, a place to walk, a wind and an open sky. It’s a simple dream I’m dreaming. Everything I want is so infinitely possible.
Since I’m telling truths, I’m generally rather nauseatingly good at everything I do. I make friends wherever I look for them and it is who I am to look for them. I fall in love with life wherever I find myself and I have moved enough to know that I only need my heart to be present to feel myself at home.
Evidence seems to suggest I’m attractive enough, in ways enough, and yet I hide from my own beauties as if they are crimes I should be embarrassed of. I know I can charm the bees from the trees when I feel so inclined. I’m just that kind of flower.
When I think about it, I’m kind of catch. In fact I think I might be pretty fantastic. I am most certainly not the asparagus…
So it seems to make sense be bold, to live like the life I want is mine for the taking, whenever and however I want it.
When I look at it like that I’m excited, joyful, but I’m also eager to have one final fling with me, with selfish, solo, single, footloose and fancy free. I want to live this life fully before I freely put some pieces of it down because I want to grab something else with both hands.
It is definitely time for that crazy ridiculous plan. The ticket is booked and the last adventure of this chapter is weeks away. I’m off to Cuba, Guatamala, Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Peru and then who knows….
There will be sunshine, laughter, dancing, sunsets, stars….
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do……And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.