crazy ridiculous plans…

After an adventure is never an easy place to be.

I’ve been home now for just over a week and the air is crisp and clean in my lungs. I’ve washed off Dhaka’s dust, shaken off the persistent pollution-cough, and wriggled back into jeans and jackets. I’ve found my way into the stride of the hills, taking long fast walks to shake off the sense I might get stuck standing still.

The house is warm, the bed is soft, the food is good. I should be feeling pretty comfortable.

I have about another week of work left to do from here and then I will be once again entirely untied, lose and a little at a loss. It is exciting and frightening in one quick breath and I’m not sure whether I should be finding something to hold on to or enjoying floating free.

There are different paths forking out ahead and I am pausing, puzzled.

I know my organisation will offer me more work somewhere at some point in the not too distant future. I could sit and wait to see what they’ll throw me. It would be an unknown country but a known dream – exciting, challenging and ever addictive. I know who I am when this is what I do.

And yet that rolling life leaves me little space to feel secure, to grow love, to feed friendships. It leaves me living hand to mouth, a stand-by cipher for something elusive, but always more crucial than my own happiness.

I am not one of the operational priorities. They will never leave me no room to become.

The popular plan for my family is that I stay in the UK, apply for sensible office jobs here and settle for building something standard and solid. Can you feel my enthusiasm?

The theory follows that in time I will meet someone I’ll like enough to keep me rooted in a life that right now feels more alien to me than anything elsewhere could offer. I imagine myself growing in resentment rather than love, feeling caught by every caress, and finally bludgeoning the poor man with a frying pan…

I am trying to sit and really think about how I want my future to be with my unconscious thoughts and fears unknotted. I’m trying to summon another kind of me. Safety and security have a certain appeal but nothing in that picture lights me up.

I would be glad to find a home but I’m just not sure that future is where my heart wants home to be.

I’m baffled by the idea I’m most likely to meet someone to spend my life with by doing what I want to do least. It feels a lot like settling good enough, rather than going for great, and lately words from thousands of miles away have got me thinking about just how good great could be…

So here’s the crazy ridiculous B plan that I’m batting around in my thoughts. A few thousand pounds, a few months, a flight in the direction of Central or South America…

I have half baked plans and a stack of books that have probably never before been checked out of this sleepy little town’s library – Belize, Costa Rica, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru… now this is finally firing my enthusiasm. I can feel my feet tapping, my heart skipping.

If I follow my passion will I pass up my chance at a happily ever after? Can I afford to make the quieter life wait?

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22 Responses to crazy ridiculous plans…

  1. I remember a few years ago when I was dating a handsome lawyer and I decided that I wanted to move on…my mother burst into tears and started yelling at me…”But he’s a LAWYER! He’s a nice man, he’s a lawyer!” And I kept repeating myself, “Mom, he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t love me, Mom…” She never really heard my words and it took her months to finally accept that I’d moved on to look for someone else. Sometimes those close to you simply want the best for you and it’s difficult for them to understand why you don’t see the black and white. They don’t understand that what for them means stability and a good future, to you means settling for something you don’t really want. All my life, my family has compared me to a little race car revving her engines at the starting line….they kept waiting for me to finally hit the gas. Lol. My point is that only you know what you want out of life. Only you can hear the voice inside your head, inside your heart, that tells you what “happy” means.
    Everyone will always have an opinion on YOUR life, babe. Don’t get bogged down in the “should’s”. I firmly believe that when you come from a place of love…for others, for yourself…you can’t go wrong. Happiness doesn’t just pass you by like a trolley and leave you there if you don’t get on…sometimes you have to just start walking. Sometimes the most amazing and beautiful things are not where the crowd is milling, but down a quiet alley where no one thought to go. You, of all people, know that very well. ::Hug::

    • I loved this account of your conversation with your mum – I have had many similiar. But it is true that sometimes it is easy to feel resentful rather than remembering that family tend to want what’s best without necessarily knowing what this is! I like the just start walking concept… and it is true my best moments are usually on a detour…

  2. I just read in a blog here today that said ‘when we stop looking for love that is when we will find it’. And you will. I have a good friend at work who is from Costa Rica, and from the pictures I have seen, and what he has told me it is the most beautiful place. If you have your health and your youth, then now is the time to go. The greatest regrets are the opportunities never taken. The UK will always be there, you can always got back. There are untold libraries with books longing to have their pages turned again. If you are free, then the wind is your home … Check out these blogs from today:
    http://sorealtonight.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/happy-2012/
    http://dailyhealthboost.com/2012/01/01/a-beautiful-brand-new-year/
    Blessings on your journey!

    • cuhome says:

      Was single for nearly 20 yrs after being widowed, and I found I liked it, really liked it. I don’t think I ever would have come to like myself and living along unless I’d done that. . . . then one day, a man walked into my apartment to pick up his son who was having dinner with my daughter . . . and the rest is history, wonderful history!

  3. nire says:

    i say that you follow your instincts, wherever that takes you. while it wasn’t my primary focus [mine was happiness and work, maybe in reverse order], being true to myself helped me find the man i had always wanted [and thought i would never find]. again, not my primary goal, but i happened to find him in the middle of nowhere, in a most unexpected place… so i think as long as you are true to yourself, you will have the life you want [even if it is not the life you expect].

    good luck.

  4. Instincts. I am with nire.

    A.) who said a man will ever make you happy? only you can make you happy.
    B.) your posts from your journey are joyful.
    C.) books, a little cash, a plan… sounds awfully romantic to me. Anything is possible in that scenario…

    I await with baited breath for your next move on your life journey…

    Vaya Con Dios!

    Jen

    • I loved this response Jen – you’re spot on. It’s true a man alone can’t make me happy but if I am already happy a good man might help me be even happier.. so I’ll go with following happy. I think I am generally pretty joyful which is a good point to start from.. watch this space.

  5. speccy says:

    Are you on that plane yet?

  6. Nataly says:

    I’d like to nominate you for the Kreativ blogger award. Please see here http://snippetsandglimpses.wordpress.com/2012/01/03/the-versatile-blogger-award-and-the-kreativ-blogger-award/ for details if you’d like to accept. xo.

  7. May I suggest your passion? When I see the options being described as settling or passion I think you know what the answer is. You will find your happily ever after following your passion. Peace and blessing my friend!

  8. Jennifer Reed says:

    I vote Central America!!!! Forks in the road can be puzzling, but no matter which tine you choose, you will always choose correctly!!!

    If you need any travel suggestions, let me know!!!

    Love and courage!

    • Hey Jennifer,
      What a wonderful way of looking at it – all of the forks are the right fork… I like that. Of course I do at least partly blame you and your blog for putting the idea in my head! I haven’t read all of your posts – which countries did you go to altogether? Favourite places? I am thinking of spanish lessons, dancing, good food and beautiful places..

  9. I am so excited with this idea of yours – and I will continue to follow your footsteps with joy and pleasure. Happy travels, and many adventures…

  10. Afterwards says:

    I love this post! And completely relate to your turmoil… the choices between a settled life and an airplane ticket. It’s clear that your adventurous spirit is unquenchable, and that you will follow your heart. My theory is that if a soul is meant to “settle” somewhere, it will be caught up in adventure there too… adventure enough to make it stay. You are great, for the record, I love your blog!

    • Thank you Afterwards! The encouraging comments mean a lot to me at a time when many people I know are convinced I’m running away from life despite my efforts to explain I’m trying to run toward it!

  11. What a great conversation with yourself! Crazy, ridiculous plans are in the eye of the beholder. I admire your adventurous spirit. Maybe “quiet” to some looks like craziness to people who have chosen, or are stuck in “sensible”. Good luck with your wrestling!

    I’m thrilled that I get to “feast” on your courageous blogging search. I have nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award. You can get the award information at http://www.growthlines.wordpress.com in the Versatile Blogger post. Congratulations!

  12. Thanks for the comments and the encouragement! It is looking like Cuba, Guatamala, Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica and maybe Peru….

  13. lindaolsen says:

    As an artist and photographer, I appreciate a person who can express with words what I feel and try to express in visual mediums. Thank you for your poetic words. Inspiring.
    http://lindaolsen.wordpress.com/

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