This year has been like one of those lovers that you would not want to spend a lifetime with, but yet you know you will never ever forget.
It swept me off my feet, burned me, broke my heart, tore me with tears. I have been unmade, undone, and yet now I am more. I know myself better. I know how to love better. I have grown, gained, deepened. I have more heart. It has been a gift.
For all that I’ve lost, I’m not sure I would press undo if I could – because I am so glad to be the person that I’ve become.
In losing one love, I have gained so much more. There is so much that I am thankful for, and of course nothing that really is, is really ever lost.
I feel like I’m ready for something new, for the next adventure. I am hatching wonderful, ridiculous plans. I want to grab happy with both hands. I want to laugh, dance, run, fly. I want to fall stupidly in love and not fall out with it. I want to be close.
There are times when life seems to ask us whether we are willing draw a line, to make space, to say the prayer that lets the next day dawn.
Tonight I feel I need to sit with my silences and watch the old year die, to say some more goodbyes, to let myself lean on through the last sigh of this time of mourning. I have no doubt I will still sometimes stumble on sadness, but I want to start a chapter with a new name.
I need to sit with some stars, to know that I am made of the same stuff as them, that I have my place, my path, just as they have theirs.
So instead of heading to a party, I’ve decided to light a candle and head up the mountain with a bottle of wine and a blanket. I want to see the new year rise with a burst of firework flight, to hear it roll in on distant shouts of joy and delight.
I want to steal a little bit of magnificent to put in my pocket. I plan to seed it with a pinch of hope in new soil. That feels like the right kind of beginning.
Happy new year – thank you for sharing my journey with me.