Yesterday it was 5 months since you died. 5 months ago I woke up from another uneasy sleep, went to check on you, was relieved to find you were alive and then realised that a crucial part of you had gone.
5 months is nothing neat, nothing hallmark has a card for. 5 months is no easy fraction of a year, no symmetry or part anniversary, no real reason for momentous. But it seems grief puts milestones in unexpected places.
Yesterday I was fine. I didn’t leave myself one moment to think. I filled my day so that there was no space for absences.
Today everything is blurred, out of focus and there seems to be drip-drops trailing my feet, wetting up everything I do. It is as if I’m wearing goggles out in the rain.
I can’t stop crying and I have a plane to catch, a place to go and work to be done.
At times the fury of grief has been so far off I think I must have exaggerated, dramatised, or plain made it up. But today it is right back in full bloody-bloom and I feel like something inside me is ripping, tearing, twisting. Grief is eating me.
Today, I don’t want to be brave or strong or positive. I want to rock myself into a ball and howl until the pain passes me over. I want someone to hug and a softer set of tissues.
I miss you.
I miss the jingle of your keys, your hello whistle, the smell of your aftershave, the way you walked in.
I miss your hugs, hands, words, heart. I miss the way you looked into the centre of things.
I miss you calling me shit legs and laughing at my taste for ‘cricket elbow’ tea.
I miss the futures I thought we would have, your spot in the lives I might still live. I miss the times when I was stupid enough to take time for granted, when I assumed forever would come.
I miss you because I knew that nothing could ever stop you from loving me, that there was nothing I could do, no screw up that could foul up that certainty. There are not many loves like that.
I miss you saying totally inappropriate things to strangers, flirting with cashiers, talking ga ga to babies. I miss the utter devotion with which you loved that damn dog.
I miss you.
I miss you because there can never be another my-you.