Wildly in love with a wonderful man? Does he love you right back? Then frankly I rather envy you. I am outing myself as a green eyed girl…
There is something wonderful about being in love. I’ve been there once or twice and I always enjoyed the visit. There is the pitter-pattery heart, the flushes and flutters, the endearing rush of mild obsession. But also those small everythings that linger when all that cool and calms into something more solid – being accepted no matter what, the intimacy of touch, the pleasure of building shared histories, the fact that someone else is always on your team, always in your corner.
It is just a shame that love proves so bloody elusive, so slippery.
I have a wonderful life and ten thousand things to be thankful for, but there’s the odd day when I wonder whether I will die alone and be eaten by cats. I imagine them licking their sharp little teeth and wondering which curve would make the meatiest meal… which bite would be the best.
An Italian colleague asked me if I was alone, presumably meaning single since in this work, in this place, we are all pretty much alone – that’s just how we pop out of the plane. It was a simple enough question but I found myself resisting the answer, unwilling to say ‘yes’ and sign up to a word that seemed just a few letters too close to lonely.
I feel I should add that empirical evidence suggests that I am by no means a total hose beast. Men like me and often I like them back. But it is rare for the two to occur at the same time, when neither one of us is about to get on a plane…. and there’s the rub.
I am told it is just a question of time, that one day my prince will come. The problem is I’ve never been one to sit and wait. One school of thought is that you need your own life before you can really share it with someone else. That makes a lot of sense to me but sometimes I wonder if my life moves too far too fast for Mr Charming to catch up.
I am making him jog for my love before we’ve even met? Should I add good heart health and regular cardio to my list of criteria?
By chasing my dreams, choosing my adventures, following my heart, am I just making myself intimidating as hell to the majority of men?
It is a puzzler. At a certain age the merry whirl of dates and crushes and kisses starts to get a little old. Does that mean is it time to lower the bar a little? Is it time to stop and wait, to twiddle my thumbs as I wait for the thunder bolt? And yet my life is a little too rich for me to want my freedom curbed for anything much less that extraordinary.
Lately I feel that my life is blooming, my heart opening. I find beauty everywhere, I am filled with love for many things. But yet I worry whether my big love will come, whether I am good enough for the wonderful somewhere man I want. Settle seems such a sad word.
This is turning into a post with a lot of questions and with each pause for thought those cats edge closer. I think my tick tock may be more of a meow and a pendulous tail swish..
I hope. I dream. I’m not quitting just yet.