crash and crunch…

I guess it’s inevitable that after the swoop comes the slump. The swelling nausea as the ground surges up, filling my eyes and blocking my sight.

I can’t even see clouds from here.

There never seems to be a reason, no clue as to what prompts the sudden dizzying topple after days when strength and light pulse. But still I search for the slip. Still wonder why I let myself think that maybe this time there would be no tumble, that I had climbed to a spot I could not be knocked off, that the ground was solid beneath my feet.

Grief is like a badge. It marks me out. There are days when that difference flows and fills me, others when it feels like a weakness, something sown into my skin that I cannot rip out.

I am trying to tolerate these nows, to accept the flowering numbness, nothingness, and believe that it will pass on again. I try to loosen my fingers and let it slide on, to let the river flow.

I wish I could pick the down days, circle them on the calendar, prepare, be ready, retreat. But they seem to come in a crowd, when I have to smile, when being is not enough.

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7 Responses to crash and crunch…

  1. April Denton says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was something I could say to help, but there usually isn’t. I just hope your road flattens and the hills subside. 🙂

  2. Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

    You write in a way that lets me know the same feelings within myself. Thanks.

  3. nire says:

    You’re doing right by riding the waves and just feeling the emotions. It isn’t always easy and many days you might feel like you’re drowning, but then it subsides for a little and you start to heal a little.

  4. unboxedtruth says:

    Tears form in my eyes as I read your post. The beauty and the life in your heart shows through your posts. With beauty comes love and with love comes new life and new beginnings, with new beginnings comes a renewed strength. There is a life form within you within your very soul that gives you the will to even write such profound words. This life form is the spirit of God on your inside,…yield to this spirit as you receive the strength to accept the life you already know is there. Each breath you take brings a new hope for a your life and strength to live again

  5. Ah sweet it does come. The land where the cliffs are not so surprising or as often. The new of your life without your father is still unknown in so many ways. Massive hugs and remember to breath, cry, remember and smile.

  6. Felipe Neumann says:

    Dear Laura, I’m praying for you. 🙂

    Try not to rush things, pain and grief are long term companions, you know… it takes awhile until both you’re done with them and they’re done with you. Perhaps the best you can do is just let them sink in and realize that’s the only way you’ll be able to overcome them.

    Hugs!

  7. I just wanted to say a big heartfelt thanks for the comments on this post. Strangely just as when I feel fine it is hard to believe a dip will come again, in the dip it’s hard to believe the road will rise. Reading these wonderful comments really helped me get through a hard day. Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

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