The winds has changed a little today, the breeze that was soft and gentle is a little pushier now as it raps on my window and wheels in the yard. I am feeling a bit feistier… my own energy trapped in a tight little circle, pushing and tugging, trying to get out.
I think for many of us in the UK the last days’ news of riots, running battles in the streets and things breaking down, brings a sense of something out of place, an itch. A sense of something fierce, that has come lose before we knew it was there, or how to tame it. There is the uneasy thought that perhaps we are more and less than we thought we were last week.
I feel like I am veering in a direction that is a little less familiar, a little unknown.
Lately I have been a fluffy bunny of zen, thinking about the transience of life has had me huming and thrumming with tolerance and peace. I have wanted to love, live, laugh, looking at the hearts and flowers. Life has seemed too short for anything other than sunshine, and perhaps the odd day when you can’t stop the rain but think of the blooms that will spring in its wake.
Today I feel something different. I feel like my life is a little too short for a lot of this shit! I’m laughing as I write that – it seems so at odds with a lot of my thoughts and reflections. But still the feeling is there, swirling restless inside me, so I’m going to open a window, let it breeze on out and stir up some dust in the street.
The reality is that in life sometimes people piss you off. Sometimes it’s a nothing, or just a little something that frankly in the grand scheme of things is not worth the effort of a frown. But sometimes it is over a genuine, kosher, full fledged something… or enough of those little things that you start to feel like you are wading through grains of irritation, tasting them gritty and sandy in your mouth.
Today I feel like I have had sand kicked in my face one too many times and I am wondering where to put that emotion, what I make out of it, how I balance it against all else that is good and bright.
I think forgiveness is important but it should not be a free card to continue to behave badly. It should not becomes a license to abuse, to trample on gentleness, to disregard decency. I guess forgiveness is about valuing people in all of their imperfectness and I think that sometimes that means making it clear where the lines are, which boundaries can shift and which must not be crossed.
My family generally don’t take prisoners and I come from a long line of ‘fight now and ask questions later’s. I remember running to my mum to tattle tale on some childhood wrong and she would invariably tell me ‘don’t get mad, get even’.
I set that lesson aside with my crew-cut Cindy and ripped picture books. After a tantrums or two, I knew I had my share of anger brewing and bubbling, and I guess I never wanted to give it leave to leap, to bridge and break into something bigger than me, bigger than my control.
Today I am feeling for the balance, the in between. Life is too short to hold grudges, but it is also too short to let others cloud out the sunshine.
I think there is a place of potential on a pissed off day, where you are irked enough to be serious, but not yet angry enough to be mean. There is a message inside that nut, that knot of resentment, a kernel of something that says ‘this has to stop here’.
In that place there is a safety, a space to express your view of the rights and wrongs before something brews than cannot be kept back, before something violent explodes into the streets.
I guess to have room for the light, we sometimes need to throw a few things out and make a little space.