As I dug through my haves and have nots it occurred to me, I am starting to want things again. Not just silly something nothings, not just the red shoes, but futures, dreams.
I want to build a place to air my thoughts. I think I want my life back and I‘m starting the stretching into what that means.
After spending so long in limbo I’ve made myself at home, made curtains and put down a welcome mat. That eager breeze comes as a shock. But my comfort zone is chafing, it’s not so comfy any more. When I think of it, it really never was, but I’ve hung around because the next steps looked tough (as if the last few were easy).
I have a blank canvas before me. My life empty but for a few notes scribbled near an edge, a few ‘I love yous’ that can be read at distance, a ripped out picture or two.
This space is a both blessing and a curse. I have freedom, an everything nothing to work with but I am all a blank. There is no fixed point to inspire or pull me.
So this is where I am stuck, peeping through the curtain, stage shy of striding out to start, needing it to be so perfect that I am afraid to begin. That first white space is always the hardest to crack: What do I want? What first strokes shall I make? What colours really matter?
I have loops in my head and I roller-coaster ride them to boredom and back. I want love. Where do I find it? Life doesn’t seem to want to wait and nor do I. I crave a home. What if I build one and then find love elsewhere? What is a home without love? How do I pay for this life? What makes it work?
If I made a flow chart I would knot myself up with arrows trying to make these dizzy ducks line up… I forget that few lives are built with a manual, at least not the fun ones! It is not always done in numbered steps and even great masters are allowed a few stabs at their opus. They did not do it like Ikea..
I am trying to trust the bloom to unfurl as it is meant to, trying to let the tide turn. But I’m twitching and itching to be sure of the end so I can begin. I’d quite like a picture of how the finished product should like so I can get my pieces in place..
I want to be in control, to have certainty, to know it will come out right. But I do not want life in a box. I guess the bumps come with the beauty, the bungles make it better. But could someone please throw me a safety jacket and an ‘in case of panic pull’ cord? I’d like a bold brave life with a life boat.
I am trying for a feeling to grope towards. When I know where my heart needs to be I will write the first line, write the second line and then see where the words take me.