lining my ducks up…

As I dug through my haves and have nots it occurred to me, I am starting to want things again. Not just  silly something nothings, not just the red shoes, but futures, dreams.

I want to build a place to air my thoughts. I think I want my life back and I‘m starting the stretching into what that means.

After spending so long in limbo I’ve made myself at home, made curtains and put down a welcome mat. That eager breeze comes as a shock. But my comfort zone is chafing, it’s not so comfy any more. When I think of it, it really never was, but I’ve hung around because the next steps looked tough (as if the last few were easy).

I have a blank canvas before me. My life empty but for a few notes scribbled near an edge, a few ‘I love yous’ that can be read at distance, a ripped out picture or two.

This space is a both blessing and a curse. I have freedom, an everything nothing to work with but I am all a blank. There is no fixed point to inspire or pull me.

So this is where I am stuck, peeping through the curtain, stage shy of striding out to start, needing it to be so perfect that I am afraid to begin. That first white space is always the hardest to crack: What do I want? What first strokes shall I make? What colours really matter? 

I have loops in my head and I roller-coaster ride them to boredom and back. I want love. Where do I find it? Life doesn’t seem to want to wait and nor do I. I crave a home. What if I build one and then find love elsewhere? What is a home without love? How do I pay for this life? What makes it work?

If I made a flow chart I would knot myself up with arrows trying to make these dizzy ducks line up… I forget that few lives are built with a manual, at least not the fun ones! It is not always done in numbered steps and even great masters are allowed a few stabs at their opus. They did not do it like Ikea..

I am trying to trust the bloom to unfurl as it is meant to, trying to let the tide turn. But I’m twitching and itching to be sure of the end so I can begin. I’d quite like a picture of how the finished product should like so I can get my pieces in place..

I want to be in control, to have certainty, to know it will come out right. But I do not want life in a box. I guess the bumps come with the beauty, the bungles make it better. But could someone please throw me a safety jacket and an ‘in case of panic pull’ cord? I’d like a bold brave life with a life boat.

I am trying for a feeling to grope towards. When I know where my heart needs to be I will write the first line, write the second line and then see where the words take me.

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9 Responses to lining my ducks up…

  1. April Denton says:

    I love your writing style, you write beautifully. I have been in the same place as you, and am nearing that fork in the road again. Don’t look back, ever!

    • Thanks for visiting and the compliment April – it is always a little odd to pull something out of me and leave it here! Any top tips on lining up those ducks much appreciated and good luck with your next fork. The choices just keep coming eh?

      • April Denton says:

        You are very welcome for the visit and the compliment. Thank you for liking some of my work.

        I am a total freak for lists, its a sick addiction really! I would start with the easiest “duck”, what is the smallest thing right now that you want? Build that list til the most important “duck” is at the bottom, it will be the hardest and the one with the most reward. When it was the hardest for me and I couldn’t figure out anything anymore, I went on autopilot. It might not work for everyone but when I stopped thinking so much about everything my “ducks” fell right into place.

        Yes, the choices keep coming and probably always will. I have started my adult life over 3 times, each time it was easier; it is all a learning experience after all. I hope the clouds will part and shed light on your situation!

      • Hey again April… ah yes I have the list addiction too and I like the idea of starting with the little duck. Such a simple idea and yet also kind of gently brilliant. I always go straight for the biggy and then panic so I will try your tip – thanks for that!

  2. Hermionejh says:

    I laughed at the crazy flow chart. I’ve thought of how that would look for my own process, and it would be just as convoluted! Thanks for your posts! Jerri

    • Hey Jerri, kind of relief to hear I am not the only one with flow charts to baffle the brain… I think if I ever put it on paper it would scare me half to death so I am waiting for it to untangle at least a little first 🙂

  3. Wyrd Smythe says:

    As an old saying goes, it begins with a step. It continues with each step, and at every point it is just one step, the next step. At some point you look back over your shoulder and realize how far you’ve come. And then you take another step.

  4. gregsmithmd says:

    Beautiful post. Looking forward to reading more.

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