It is very easy to spend far too much time focused on the have nots, the things I haven’t got.
The things I don’t have cast a shadow of shoulds, oughts and why nots. They are a mixed bundle, half empty hunger, half heartfelt longing. A knot that defies logic and persists as a puzzle, these open questions that ache.
They are the bookcases my books don’t have, the pictures with no wall to lean on. The hand I don’t have to hold and the job I haven’t got, that undiscovered purpose, that silver bullet. They are the lives I have not found yet, the stories I may never find the words to write, and the people who will never walk through the rooms I sketch in my head because there is just no way to draw them back.
They are the empty spaces.
When I glance at someone else’s life, peep over their picket fence, I often feel envy tug anxiously at my sleeves. It nags and nibbles because theirs is always better, brighter, bolder. If I have the same things then they must have got theirs younger, smarter, smugger, slimmer than I. Their grass is always greener, their platitudes have panache.
I have to remind myself that if I live my life as a race I will always lose eventually. On that I have a guarantee.
This hunger can only feed me dissatisfaction. It births nothing, breeds nothing good.
I ask if I really believe there is a finite stock of the things that really matter – will the universe run out of love if she has some? will my life have less value if his is worthwhile? if she finds an adventure must it be because she’s stolen mine?
Sometimes it is good to ask myself these ridiculous questions and laugh that I might live life by so many wrong answers. That is not an unnoticed choice I want to forget not to make.
My life should not be darkened by someone else’s sunny day or shrunk by heights elsewhere. I am not a lack like the bad-before of a commercial. I do not want to be consumed by consumption.
I want my haves to be my forget-me-nots, my happy little blooms. I have stumbled upon friends like lucky lost pennies. I have abundant love warming me. I have hopes and dreams and storms to chase… skies to leave me breathless as they rise and fall.
To have such a lot is more than enough.