the haves and the have nots…

It is very easy to spend far too much time focused on the have nots, the things I haven’t got.

The things I don’t have cast a shadow of shoulds, oughts and why nots. They are a mixed bundle, half empty hunger, half heartfelt longing. A knot that defies logic and persists as a puzzle, these open questions that ache.

They are the bookcases my books don’t have, the pictures with no wall to lean on. The hand I don’t have to hold and the job I haven’t got, that undiscovered purpose, that silver bullet. They are the lives I have not found yet, the stories I may never find the words to write, and the people who will never walk through the rooms I sketch in my head because there is just no way to draw them back.

They are the empty spaces.

When I glance at someone else’s life, peep over their picket fence, I often feel envy tug anxiously at my sleeves. It nags and nibbles because theirs is always better, brighter, bolder. If I have the same things then they must have got theirs younger, smarter, smugger, slimmer than I. Their grass is always greener, their platitudes have panache.

I have to remind myself that if I live my life as a race I will always lose eventually. On that I have a guarantee.

This hunger can only feed me dissatisfaction. It births nothing, breeds nothing good.

I ask if I really believe there is a finite stock of the things that really matter – will the universe run out of love if she has some? will my life have less value if his is worthwhile? if she finds an adventure must it be because she’s stolen mine?

Sometimes it is good to ask myself these ridiculous questions and laugh that I might live life by so many wrong answers. That is not an unnoticed choice I want to forget not to make.

My life should not be darkened by someone else’s sunny day or shrunk by heights elsewhere. I am not a lack like the bad-before of a commercial. I do not want to be consumed by consumption.

I want my haves to be my forget-me-nots, my happy little blooms. I have stumbled upon friends like lucky lost pennies. I have abundant love warming me. I have hopes and dreams and storms to chase… skies to leave me breathless as they rise and fall.

To have such a lot is more than enough.

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9 Responses to the haves and the have nots…

  1. I love all your expressions and turns of phrase in this (too many to mention) – lovely and thought-provoking writing.

  2. AWildDog says:

    I love this post. Very thought provoking. Too many people want so many things but don’t appreciate what they have already.

  3. Felipe Neumann says:

    People usually hide their burdens and only show us how glossy their trophies are, I think we spend too much time sweeping things under the carpet instead of proudly carrying our share of pain, believe it or not, it makes us grow stronger in the long run than just bearing a smile 24/7.
    This is a great post!

    P.S.: I was on a trip to Uruguay as you may have noticed so I disappeared from your comment box for a few days hahaha but I’m back now. 🙂 What about your trip?

    • Hi Felipe, Nice to have you back again.. and of course I expect you to catch up on any posts you missed before I send you the quiz… just kidding 😉
      Uganda has been delayed for now so back to waiting waiting… Being honest about pain, I whole heartedly agree it would be good for all of us to be a bit more real offline as well as on!

  4. Shirley Anne says:

    How true it is that life is not the measure of what we have materially but what we experience as we live it. Everybody’s grass is greener from someone else’s perspective.

    Shirley Anne xxx

  5. Bill Howdle says:

    This is such a well written and inspirational post. The message it contains is so profound, such wisdom to live our lives by.
    I thank you for shaing it with us.
    Bill

    • Thanks Bill. I very much enjoy reading your posts so I am glad to have you visit and appreciate the compliment. Grieving has given me so much insight to so many things and for me writing is partly my way of making sure I don’t forget!

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