before the light bleeds back..

The day started and stuck, in those empty hours that keep coming around and catching me all out of energy and distractions. 2am finds me sitting huddled up to the brightness of my screen like a cave man clinging to the last flicker of fire.

There is a big black hole in the middle of the night and I don’t always have the courage to look into the darkness to see what is growling and prowling at the edges of my mind, stalking me soft-footed.

My thoughts are sharp and spiteful when light is far away.  Darkness gives them license to bicker and wrangle. Words are blunt and heavy.

I think back to the night when dad fell and lay on the cold floor. I think of the cries for help that I didn’t hear. I think of his dead weight and how I wasn’t strong enough to lift him, wasn’t even strong enough to offer much reassurance from deep down in my own fear.

I think of all the things I couldn’t do even though I wanted to, all the things I couldn’t fix or mend and it is hard to think my way out of this corner. I seem to be surrounded, hemmed in.

I’m stuck in a bad dream with no obvious escape… I can’t even find my way to its’ edges, can’t see where to go from here.

I need someone to turn a light on, to sit beside me, stroke my hair. But there is no one here. The darkness has no voice, no hand to hold.

I feel my way back to long forgotten tactics for taming the monster under the bed and evading the eyes that burned in the night. I remind myself that it is still my mind casting these spells so I can draw myself some wings and think of flight. I’ll dream myself a decision that wriggles me out of this trap.

I’ve decided not to linger, knee deep and bogged down in ‘what ifs’ – there are just too many to count and I’m too tired to find my fingers anyway.

I can assign guilt and blame till the sun rises and the cows come home and it still won’t feel any better. Dad will not come back once I make a conviction – so, I choose not to.

I am shattered, scattered, broken but once it is light I will be able to see to start picking up the pieces. Dawn will put me back together again.

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8 Responses to before the light bleeds back..

  1. Felipe Neumann says:

    …the sand that flows into the lower chamber of doubt is not time lost, but reality gained.
    Take your time (also make sure to take a deep breath!) and move forward.
    Light is just a few steps ahead!

    Praying for you!

  2. Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

    It takes a long time to get past the “death” memories to the life memories. It took me even longer to get past the regrets. And finally, if I stack up the regrets against the good times my father and I had together, the regrets fade in importance. Blessings on you.

  3. Oh sweetheart, my heart is aching for you. I am holding you from afar. Call any time…

  4. This is moving stuff. I’m sure the morning bought some relief and passing time will eventually, I hope, but the anquish you feel sprang out of the page in a raw and arresting manner. That is probably of no comfort to you, but the writing is impressive

  5. Hermionejh says:

    I could feel the angst in your words and writing style. As hard as it is to be in that place, and to hear, thanks for the glimpse of a moment in your world, and how it’s so familiar. Take care, and keep writing!

    • Hello, that was a tough old night but for me writing is a huge relief. When I have another bad patch it is good to read back and see it has been bad before and it passed… memories can be slippery things. Thanks for reading, It really means a lot to me to see people’s comments and have a little company on this journey.

  6. Heather says:

    This is what I often feel on a sleepless night, put to words so eloquently. I still can only put tears to it.

    • Hey Heather, thanks for visiting my site and reading, From your page I can see times are very tough for you and your dad. I can imagine dealing with the loss of your mum at the same time must be utterly exhausting. Thinking of you as you try to get your way through those sleepless nights as well.

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