The day started and stuck, in those empty hours that keep coming around and catching me all out of energy and distractions. 2am finds me sitting huddled up to the brightness of my screen like a cave man clinging to the last flicker of fire.
There is a big black hole in the middle of the night and I don’t always have the courage to look into the darkness to see what is growling and prowling at the edges of my mind, stalking me soft-footed.
My thoughts are sharp and spiteful when light is far away. Darkness gives them license to bicker and wrangle. Words are blunt and heavy.
I think back to the night when dad fell and lay on the cold floor. I think of the cries for help that I didn’t hear. I think of his dead weight and how I wasn’t strong enough to lift him, wasn’t even strong enough to offer much reassurance from deep down in my own fear.
I think of all the things I couldn’t do even though I wanted to, all the things I couldn’t fix or mend and it is hard to think my way out of this corner. I seem to be surrounded, hemmed in.
I’m stuck in a bad dream with no obvious escape… I can’t even find my way to its’ edges, can’t see where to go from here.
I need someone to turn a light on, to sit beside me, stroke my hair. But there is no one here. The darkness has no voice, no hand to hold.
I feel my way back to long forgotten tactics for taming the monster under the bed and evading the eyes that burned in the night. I remind myself that it is still my mind casting these spells so I can draw myself some wings and think of flight. I’ll dream myself a decision that wriggles me out of this trap.
I’ve decided not to linger, knee deep and bogged down in ‘what ifs’ – there are just too many to count and I’m too tired to find my fingers anyway.
I can assign guilt and blame till the sun rises and the cows come home and it still won’t feel any better. Dad will not come back once I make a conviction – so, I choose not to.
I am shattered, scattered, broken but once it is light I will be able to see to start picking up the pieces. Dawn will put me back together again.