saying a little big goodbye…

I’m going to tell you the end of a story I haven’t yet got around to telling you the beginning of – but I guess often the best stories, the best adventures, are on us before we  notice the ‘once upon a time’.

I met a guy just a week or two before my dad died. Sometime if I have the heart I will write my way back to the beginning, but in short, although dating and death do not easily combine, he has been a rock for me. When my phone was silent, he called. When I was all out of words, he gave me a hug. When the bottom dropped out of the world, he held tight. He has faithfully stuck around, endured my tempers, tantrums and tears with grace and only the odd grimace.

At a time when I have felt thoroughly let down, he restored a little of my faith in the workings of the universe. His kindness outweighed even what I might expect from a friend bound to me by years of shared memories. It hasn’t quite made sense to me. A free gift when I didn’t enter the competition, a blessing.

For sure, he is a man and not an angel. Solid shoulders (no wings), flawed, dubious sense of humour, a little more territorial than I would like, not really my classic type, but I am so grateful for him. I’ve whispered a thousands ‘thank you’s to the sky, just in case anyone is listening, and have said a good hundred or so to him directly for good measure!

But here’s the rub. He has poured himself out for me and, whilst I value him, love his company and feel utterly at ease with him, I cannot do the same. It’s as if I just do not have enough of myself right now to be able to share wholeheartedly.

He thinks I can never feel for him as he does for me. That might be true, though I wonder if a crucial part of me has withered. I think I would rather believe that it is sleeping deep within me, waiting for warmer days. I’m still hoping my spring will come again.

How far can a relationship on a heart and a half? We have had about 2 months  of a lovely something-we-never-named. Today he said his goodbyes, which took me by surprise, and I feel like I just lost something very precious. I do not want any more people to melt out of my life…

I would like to throw my teddy in the corner, to curse him for leaving me sick, snivelling inelegantly and suddenly feeling very very alone, but I cannot. In truth he has simply had the courage to be true to what he wants, all of me, and has refused to settle for something less. I wish I had the same certainty and conviction. But I am all in a fog, and I can’t expect him to wait  for my mists to clear when I have no clue what the burn off might reveal.

I thought after a brush with the big final goodbye the little ones would be easier. I think I may have been wrong.

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4 Responses to saying a little big goodbye…

  1. Oh sweetheart…. can I give you a call once I get the boys to bed, if you’re up for talking? The end of a relationship is ALWAYS tough under any circumstances – hugs and comfort to you xxx

  2. Oh my friend. Massive hugs and love. Be kind to yourself and remember we don’t know the future. Blessings.

  3. Kristie West says:

    Ohhhh, I know you talked about this but didn’t see it happening like this so quick. Sorry to hear it L.
    It can sound cliched I know but that whole ‘reason, season, lifetime’ is so true. In my experience sometimes ‘transitionary’ people come into our lives just to help us through something for a little while when we need them most and most need a little distraction too. Doesn’t make it feel any easier though I know.
    We are all still here for you. xxxxxxx

  4. Thanks for the comments filled with support…it is getting easier and has probably good for me to realise that I pretty much have everything I need to manage all by myself. My motto is currently ‘keep calm and carry on’! 🙂

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