how selfish should I be?

Today I was back in the office and I remembered all over again how much I care about my work, how it lights me up inside

I was like a duck returning to water after a long drought. I had that sense of flow that comes from being immersed in something that you’re whole heartedly passionate about – as if all of that is a natural consequence of who I am, like rain falling or the sun rising, rather than something I’ve been doing for a living.

Maybe the grass seems greener because I’ve been on the other side of the fence for a while… but I figure I don’t need to analyse it too much. That it feels good right now is good enough.

They did offer me a contract, in East Africa and they want me there right away! So my thoughts are all aflurry.

For other people even considering it might seem insane, but actually for me it’s not too scary – a return to the life I used to know. I’m excited and nervous all at once and I’ve asked for a day or two to decide but there is no denying this job ticks a lot of boxes and offers a relatively gentle road back in.

My first thoughts are of my family. The things still to be done I should be helping with, the rough patches I may not be here to smooth, the lonely Christmas it will be with me and my dad absent. It feels selfish to even thinking of leaving yet, but at the same time I know I need to find my own life again and I wonder if any time will feel all right.

So I’m sitting here wondering how selfish is it ok to be and if not now, then when?

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4 Responses to how selfish should I be?

  1. Wyrd Smythe says:

    What is more important to you: following your heart; or doing what your head says you ought?
    Get (back) on the horse and go, would be my vote (not that I have a vote d;-).

  2. Kristie West says:

    It’s a funny thing sometimes – this idea of ‘selfish’. In your scenario (similar to mine a few years ago) we imagine the selfish thing to do would be to go and do what you want and the selfless thing to do would be to stay and support. But it isnt that simple.
    When my dad died I was living in another country. I went back to my adopted home (to Australia) after all the funeral and everything was done and my boss showed concern that I might choose to move back to NZ to be with my family….which had never even occurred to me. That just wasn’t my life.
    It might have seemed to some that the selfless thing to do was to stay in NZ….but my mother and brother were forming an important bond. And Mum was also learning to be more independent and organise things herself…which wouldn’t have happened had I (the bossiest take-charge woman in the family) been there. All in all I did more for them by not being there. Mum is a tough cookie and so in control of her life now…and her and my bro are very close (this is important and he still lives close to her).
    This idea that everyone should be there to support is just so off.
    You have your own life and I’m betting it would break your dad’s heart to see you not following your own heart and your dreams.
    Not being there could be seen as selfish….but so could changing your plans (which your family might feel responsible for) and rescuing people from situations they can grow so much from.
    Follow your heart. Always follow your heart.

  3. Hermionejh says:

    It’s so difficult to figure out what the ‘right’ thing to do is. I like the other responses to this post too, and in the end I think that whatever will bring you the most fulfillment and joy is nearly always the best pursuit. I wish you the best of luck and care on your journey. 🙂

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