getting teary at the sale rail…

Today tears caught up with me as I was browsing discounted dresses on the sale rail in M&S. They came soft footed, stealthy as ninjas. I had no idea of their approach.

If someone had asked, I could not have said why I was crying. Not at that moment. There was no trigger tweaked, no memory to tease them, but the tears still rolled out, fat and heavy.

That they came without warning or cause made it somehow scarier, the loss of control, the sense that my feelings were bubbling beyond my view. For a split second I toyed with imaginary explanations I could give if asked – concern for sweatshop labourers, distress at my size being all out, an irrational fear of lime green…

I am a bit too British to be crying in public. I felt I had been caught doing something a little indecent, a little bit naughty, breaching the peace with my moist cheeks.

It is strange to feel that your soft core has been laid bare, your bones exposed. Then you look around and realise no one has noticed. I’m not sure whether that makes it better or worse.

I felt like Neo in the Matrix. My world irrevocably, traumatically changed but everyone around me strolled on unchanged, comfortable in their illusions, content. Next time I’ll take shades and wear something chic and black just in case….

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6 Responses to getting teary at the sale rail…

  1. Oh dear. If you read my blog you’ll see my notes on mastering ‘public weeping’. I have become fairly talented at it! The first time I broke down in public was in a huge Tesco store in Inverness, on my birthday (4 days after my mom died). I just stood there and BAWLED, sobbing loudly and uncontrollably, being studiously ignored by polite Scottish men and women. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself once I’d calmed down.

  2. It is surreal how everyone pretends not to see.. wonder if that is a British thing or just a thing. I also have a life long love affair with Tracy Chapman.. she’s my touch stone at many moments

  3. Theog says:

    Your experience is something I most certainly identify with and have been through and continue to go through. It seems to be an uphill climb for us both with no end in site. Time will tell I guess.

  4. shirleysabol says:

    Risingontheroad your words are so real, it makes your posts powerful. I truly appreciate your courage in sharing your life’s journey and experience with us.

  5. Thanks – I think having had a few good days in a row, the sudden return of raw messy grief took me by surprise. I am trying to be a little more tolerant of the ups and downs in the road..

  6. Pingback: grief 101: for a friend… | finding life in a death

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