having a little faith..

Its a good/bad day. I’m sticking with my grab-life-by-the-goolies battle plan but the dog has thrown up in my bed and that never makes for a good start!

Something is shifting in my grief. Suddenly I’m a little restless, a little more energetic… almost a little bored. Part of me is itching and twitching to get out and strike out on my own again… but I can’t just yet as I’m on dog sitting duty.

The idea of more weeks of enforced inactivity fills me with horror – I wonder how long this break in the intensity of my grief will last. But all I can do it to try and enjoy this break in the cloud whilst I can.

Yesterday I devoured ‘Have a little faith’ by Mitch Albom, which basically looks at the role of faith in people’s lives.

Like thousands of others, I fall in the vague category of ‘not religious but not not religious’ (a friend once described me as a buffet Christian because I take what I like and leave the rest on the table)… usually I’d tick the ‘spiritual’ box without knowing quite what its meant to mean. Dad’s death and the thoughts that follow about life, the universe and everything has prodded me to try and untangle what I actually believe from the fuzzy space it usually inhabits at the back of my head. I’ve had limited success. Whenever I pull one skein of thought free and clear, another thread is pulled into deeper confusion.

I usually find other blogs about bereavement therapeutic but I have a guilty secret. Reading posts by people who have absolute faith in the ‘happy ever after meet up in heaven’, sometimes leaves me feeling oddly disgruntled. I find that kind of certainty hard to grasp and, truth be told I think it makes me jealous! When the proverbial poop is hitting the fan it would be nice to have some absolutes to fall back on…

I know I believe in love and the value and beauty of life.. but written down that all sounds a bit fluffy frankly and death has kind of trumped me on love and life right now.

There are many things I hope but little I am sure of and doubt is a painful place to be. The idea of decades without my dad is awful. The prospect of a long dark infinity without him is beyond my capacity to comprehend… and then of course it occurs to me that it won’t bother me because ‘me’ will be gone by then anyway. Anyone else do that crazy loop of thought once in a while? My brain would rather dodge those ideas altogether and go back to the crossword…

As the line goes “now we see as if a glass darkly; but then face to face” – the human condition is to reflect, to look in the mirror even though we have to squint through a murk of unknowns. I wish I had neat wrap up to offer you but I’m still looking for the right line and my own answers off in the cloud…

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4 Responses to having a little faith..

  1. Kristie West says:

    I know exactly what you mean about the ‘happy ever after in heaven’ attitude and to be honest, it actually doesn’t really soften the blow as if you are in pain because they are not here…then you are still in pain because they are not here. I tick the spiritual box with you….well, I tick it with a very big tick. 😉

    • Hey Kirstie, there are days when my tick is bigger than others 🙂 I can’t see your blog on wordpress any more – ah ha but I see its just moved somewhere else. I really enjoy reading your posts… it sounds like what you do is really very valuable.

  2. Kathy says:

    The idea of decades without my mom is something I don’t like to think about, especially when a few years ago I was stupid enough to think I had decades more with her. Both of her parents lived to age 92 and were in good health. But pancreatic cancer had to sneak in and take her life. It just sucks. I want to believe that when I die my mom will be waiting for me in heaven. I wish I knew that for sure.

    • Hey Kathy, thanks for the comment. Mm for me the thought of decades without dad is right up at the top of my ‘will make me cry list’ and I try not to give much thought to the alternatives. Sometimes all we can do is hope and hang on.

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