Monthly Archives: July 2011

these borrowed bones….

The afternoon we had another ash scattering outing. This time my mum, my brother and I went to take a shake of dad to my older brother’s grave. The ritual has emptied a little with the repetition. Dad is not in … Continue reading

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teddy bears and machetes…

Dad was a man of endless contradictions. He had boundless compassion and sensitivity, coupled with a short fuse and occaisonal beserker inclinations. We called it the ‘red rage’, the temper that fell like a thick impenetrable cloud.  Many crazy family … Continue reading

Posted in grief, memories of dad | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I miss you like pork..

Hiya bab, Tonight I have twenty different thoughts in my head which I’ve written, unwritten, written again and then given up on. Nothing seems to want to be born whole, so maybe it is just a time to sit and … Continue reading

Posted in grief, missing dad, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

talking to the air..

Having made the decision to take the beans, today I started to feel excited rather than plain scared. After weeks of stillness, nothingness, I have about 3 days before I leave and what feels like ten thousand things to get … Continue reading

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a good day to swap a cow?

“You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of magic beans.” I came across this Tom Robbins quote whilst blundering around on the internet and fell in love at first read. As a child fairy tales loomed … Continue reading

Posted in choose life, grief | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

are you okay?

I knew I was going to be down on points from the moment I opened my eyes and it has not been an easy day. It’s been that kind of dreadful that is all consuming; I’m not quite sure of … Continue reading

Posted in grief, reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

just a hop over the hedge…

Sleep abandoned me at about 3am. I fussed, fretted, played solitaire, rolled, wriggled and then suddenly thought of getting up to see the sun rise. Often I think of going out exploring when I wake in the night,  but the … Continue reading

Posted in grieving, memories of dad | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

on letting it go…

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness. The dog and I watched Dogma last night so I went to bed with a head full of angels, arches and aeon old grudges… I suspect that had about the same affect on sleep as … Continue reading

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letter to a far country…

Hiya Bab, Today I just need to talk to you because I have nothing and everything to say. It seems a bit daft writing you a letter. But I thought of all the ones I sent to you when I was … Continue reading

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when the toilet blocks..

It has not been an easy day. The night was punctuated by angry messages, accusations, which did not make for much sleep. I’m still sad and more sickly. I can’t quite believe a cold can last this long. I am … Continue reading

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