making a start on the road

My dad died 4 weeks ago. It feels like ten thousand years and yet barely the blink of an eye.

I am a woman grown. I have had my life touched by death before. This death was not unexpected. In fact I had more than a year to get used to the idea of this unwelcome event looming in our futures. Yet I feel flattened, spun, undone.

There are days when I am full of peace, relief, gratitude and joy for having had my dad in my life, to have been so loved and to have loved. Others when I feel like I have nothing but cold, hard rocks inside. On other days I laugh without quite knowing why: smile at the gift of a blue sky it suddenly occurs to me not everyone will see.

I feel more than I have words for, more than I have strength to chew and digest. I am not quite sure I know who I am in the midst of this maelstrom.

There are days when it all seems impossible, the weight of emotion smothering. Yet at the same time this is a path that I have no choice but to walk, and having watched my dad wrestle with sickness and death, I think I owe his memory a little courage.

Such a loss somehow seems to leave us feeling entirely alone, even when we are surrounded by friends. Unheard when we are speaking, crying out. Reading other blogs has helped me feel a little bit less out on a limb and gave me a bit of a kick up the ass to try and go forward at least a few steps.

I hope this will be a place for me to write, laugh, cry, learn a little and start to find my way back into life through this death.

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5 Responses to making a start on the road

  1. I remember relief and joy as the first emotion that I felt. We knew for one year and a day and watching the brave, courageous struggle left me feeling burdened. ‘I must be strong’ I felt. The realisation that my mum only wanted me to become who I want to be helped free me from this. In the darkness look for the light.

    • Thanks for the comments Adam. I always found it humbling that one of the things my dad found hardest was the affect his illness had on the lives of everyone around him… he too was always tell me to go live my life.

  2. Sami says:

    I am so happy that I have helped inspire you to start writing. That is the greatest compliment. Thank you for sharing that with me on my blog. I want to read yours from the beginning, which is why I am starting here even though it’s almost August. I want to follow your journey as you have followed mine. I teared up when I read it was only 4 weeks prior to the date of this post, which is still only a month earlier than today. Thinking back on where I was at that point in my grief makes me sad. All I can say is, it gets better. It’s a long road, and an endless one, but it does get better. I hope to get a chance to continue to share your sorrow and joy while you make your way down this path. You’re definitely not alone! xo Sami

    • Hello Sami! So lovely to have you come by and read. It is a bumpy old road and it seems to switch round on me whenever I think I am getting to the hang of it but being able to read further down the path for other people really has helped me find the energy to keep taking on each day… so a big heartfelt thank you for writing and sharing once again x

  3. hope2391 says:

    I have felt a lot of the same emotions.

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